There’s no such thing as mistakes or regrets in life… only lessons.

Life gives you lessons… the challenge is to learn from them!

I recently had a friend tell me that I am stubborn, not the first time that I have heard this in life, but on this particular occasion it bruised my ego. I constantly preach to my friend and family that life is about lessons, but am I actually learning?

Stubborn: Having or showing dogged determination not to change one's attitude or position on something, especially in spite of good arguments or reasons... 

From a very young age I have always been determined, strong willed and concrete in my opinions… stubborn! It has on numerous occasions been to my own detriment. So why on this occasion did I take it so hard when I was told that I was stubborn, maybe because I don’t want to lose this person from my life and maybe because it is finally time for me to learn the lesson that being stubborn gets you nowhere…

I have spent the past few days reflecting on how and why I am stubborn… all thought patterns come back with the same results – I am indeed stubborn – far too stubborn for my own good and I need to change. I need to grow, let down my guards and be open to life. To a certain extent,  my stubbornness has acted as a shield, protecting me from situations and opinions that I don’t agree with, or am scared of. 

The truth is, I get jealous easily; I am stubborn and dig my heels in far too often. I don’t say sorry enough. I judge people too harshly. I act like I don’t care, but I actually care too much. I exude confidence, but am dreadfully self-conscious. I over analyse the smallest things and probably come off as a bitch from time to time. So, now the time has come…. For me to learn, for me to change!!! 

 

Change does not come easily, but I am determined to grow in life. From here on in, I vow to try to put my pride aside and lower the barriers… I vow to be flexible!!!

To my friend... thank you for the lesson! Swallowing my pride was not easy, but needed. Life is about evolution and growth! And I am here 100% 

With my beautiful mother in November 2012!

Body Talk

Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me! Ironic, broken bones can heal and often the scars that run deepest are those inflicted by the spoken word!

I have noticed more and more I and the worst culprit when it comes to negative body talk; “I feel fat today”, “I hate my legs” or I find myself desperately looking to friends for self-assurance “Does this make me look fat?”, “Is this outfit OK?” and it goes on…

From time to time I have moments of nirvana where I feel fabulous and on top of the world, yet rarely find myself, or hear others making self-acclamations like “I feel fabulous today” or “Boy, my butt looks great in these jeans”.

Admitting that I am vulnerable and more than often feel dreadfully self-conscious when it comes to my appearance is a hard thing. I look to my mother, who in my eyes is amazingly beautiful, fit and fabulous. Yet it amazes me that she does not see this. Somehow the reflection does not mirror the emotions and perceived image in our minds. Continuing with negative body talk only reinforces a destructive mindset. 

I had a date recently; I rushed home after work, jumped into the shower and started getting ready… With an entire new wardrobe of clothes to choose from the selection should have been easy. Yet, somehow, I found that nothing fit, nothing looked right, nothing felt right… All the way along my body talk was terrible, leading to me feeling worse. After a near breakdown I decided on an outfit and left the house feeling dreadfully self-conscious, only to be greeted by my gentleman friend who told me how beautiful I looked! In that instant, my paranoia suddenly disappeared and I felt comfortable and confident once more.  

My goal is to make positive statement. I have come to realise that I am not perfect, I never will be. I am happy with who I am, and need to be proud of how I look! This needs to be reflected in my words and acclamations… so here goes, a new attitude!!!  

It is human nature to judge!

It is human nature to judge. I openly admit that one of my favourite things to do is sit and ‘people watch’. I love to look at what people are wearing, their hair, their shoes, their smiles and frowns, gestures and mannerisms and their physique. Everyone does it; we all judge…

This got me to thinking about the judgement associated with weight. I believe that obesity and anorexia have lines from the same illness, and lye at opposite ends of the spectrum; one cannot restrain from food, and the other restrains completely. Both have an obsession with food and spend most of their day thinking of food and how it impacts on ones emotions.

I have found that society has a great deal of empathy for those suffering from anorexia - people are overwhelmed with sadness can see that there is generally an emotional problem such as depression attached with the illness. People that are obese on the other hand, are not looked at with the same level of sympathy, rather, they are looked at in disgust – how could someone let themself get so fat? I experienced the judgement first hand.

Neither is healthy, however I personally feel the same level of sadness for the severely underweight as I do for the severely overweight. Nobody chooses to be anorexic or obese, it develops over time, the addiction takes hold and people lose control and perspective of the severity of the situation.

Obesity and eating disorders are such taboo subjects. Australia is suffering from an obesity epidemic with one of the largest obesity rates in the world, yet we don’t talk about it openly! Why? Is it because we are ashamed? Is it because it is too hard?

For many years, my weight, and my own addictions with food were a no go subject. I refused to discuss my problems and would get aggressive and upset if anyone brought the topic up.

Now, I openly talk about my addictions in an attempt to de-sensitise the topic. The more I talk about it, the more comfortable I feel talking about it.

It baffles me that there are not more programs and support networks readily available to attempt to tackle food addictions. 

I would love to see a world where there these issues were no longer considered taboo, and support and understanding was readily available…

Exhausted.... Never give up!

After 3.4 hours training in a 12 hour window I am officially exhausted.... 

The pain of Weight gain!

I was heartbroken this morning when I stood on the scales for the first time in a few weeks and realized that I have GAINED WEIGHT! It has been 5 months since the Biggest Loser Finale and in this time I have gained 5kg!

My biggest fear, above all, is that I will return to my former weight. My stomach sank as I saw the numbers appear on the scaled; I felt ashamed and as thought I have let myself, my friends, family and trainers down.

With many addictions the recommendation is abstinence – refrain from consumption or use of the preferred drug. Sadly, this is not an option for food addicts. Food is a necessary requirement for survival. The real challenge is to learn how to eat a balanced diet and refrain from the trigger foods (in my case CARBS – bread, pasta, potatoes).

For the first time in my life I am going to stand up and be accountable and honest about my weight. I have hidden behind smoke and mirrors for too many years. I have worked too hard, sacrificed too much and made too many positive changes to regress. Even with a weight gain of 5kg I am still 45kg down from my heaviest. 5kg is not the end of the world.

With my birthday fast approaching (20^th November), I have decided to give myself a weight loss challenge – 5kg in 5 weeks.  

My trainers and experience have armed me with the tools and knowledge required for success:

EAT CLEAN                        High protein, low carb

TRAIN HARD                      Combination of weights and cardio

PREPARE                            Plan & pack meals-have healthy snacks on hand & make time for training

BE ACCOUNTABLE             Take accountability for all actions

The ability to be honest about the successes and pitfalls along the way and take true accountability is the biggest key to success. I was privileged to learn many great lessons from my trainer Shannon – the greatest being that no one is perfect, and striving for perfection is setting yourself up for failure. It is OK to crack, to have a bad day, as long as you can be accountable for your actions. You play – you pay!   

I am back on Shannon eating plan and will record all my meals on the Biggest Loser Club website so I can track my calorie intake and nutritional breakdown.

No more excuses! No more champagne dinners with friends or lunches out.

The difference between a diet and a lifestyle change is that a diet is generally a temporary fix. I am committed to changing my LIFE and the style in which I live it! 

Last Week at Hyde Park 

2 weeks ago at work 

The power of Positivity

I was recently asked why I am so positive, and where my happiness comes from. This got me thinking about the power of positivity. It is no coincidence that many of the world’s most successful people embraced a positive attitude – take for example Nelson Mandela, imprisoned for 27 years he still had the ability to remain positive. If presented with the same circumstance, it is almost certain that the rest of the world (including myself) would somehow lose positivity (and sanity), and adapt a victim mentality.  Certainly, he had moments of weakness; however his overall demeanour was positive.  

I truly believe that like attracts like, luckily for me, being a positive and easy going person I have been able to surround myself with like-minded people. I have a number of people in my life that I am blessed to consider as true friends. There are too many to list in details, but the VIP short list includes:

1.      Lauren (more commonly known as “Legs”)

2.      Camila

3.      Ale

4.      Mari

5.      Cissa  

Legs and I in 2005

My friendship with Legs dates back the longest, our mothers were best friends in high school, and our friendship was inevitable as we have known each other since birth. Camila was second to enter my life; we met when I was 17 and living abroad for the first time; she took me under her wing, and even opened her home to me and I ended up living with her for almost a year. The final three (Ale, Mari and Cissa) entered my life around the age of 21. I have created a sisterhood with each of these ladies and shared amazing experiences with each of them.

Camila and I in 2005

Even though I was morbidly obese for over 10 years, my weight never affected my ability to make real connections and have amazing friendships. Embracing life with a positive attitude the world is open and filled with limitless possibilities.

From a very young age I have had the ability to see the positive in every situation and overlook the negative – some call it naivety, but I like to think of myself as a true optimist! Growing up my mother encouraged excitement, she believed that you only lose your innocence once, and once it’s gone you can never get it back.

My Brazilian VIP trio - Ale, Cissa, Mari

I received an e-mail from my dear friend Cissa a few weeks ago which basically explained that everything in life is determined by focus. When you focus your attention on a specific situation it is almost certain that it will have positive results. Getting results without focus is like asking for a miracle. So, basically, all you need to do when you are determined to have results in a certain area of life is focus your attention, rather than complain. Focus produces energy, energy produces action and action produces results.

I would like to believe that by having a positive attitude and a little focus, dreams can be achieved!.... and happiness will certainly follow! 

Another wonderful friend - Dani and I in 2010

With Beautiful Natti 

Eduardo and Merie - laughs are always guaranteed!

G, Lu, Me and Ale 

Love Yourself!

The twilight zone – the months that followed the Biggest Loser

Twilight; the soft glowing period of limbo between daylight and darkness. The months that followed The Biggest Loser felt like extended twilight; neither day nor night, light nor dark.

I returned home, continued training and went back to work… the hype was over and a new life was beginning! I trained for approximately 2.5 hours per day and worked full time. Life goes on! But I didn’t know how to live a life with balance.

 During the Biggest Loser I had 1 goal “train hard and eat clean”; I didn’t think about anything else, every waking moment was dedicated to my weight loss journey. Resuming life and all its normalities including work, bills, training, friends, and family was not surprisingly much harder than I expected.

I tried to experiment with food – incorporating new healthy options into my diet; I allowed myself ‘treat’ meals to celebrate my successes.

However, through it all I felt an overwhelming sense of fear. I was scared that the reflection in the mirror was a temporary mask and that sooner or later it would return to its former version depicting a 129kg girl that was scared and embarrassed.

After eating chocolate for the first time, I was overcome with guilt; I looked in the mirror and was certain that I had ballooned instantly to my former weight. I regularly asked friends and family “Do I look normal yet?” all I wanted to do was feel as though I looked like a normal person opposed to an obese one. My body had undergone a rapid transformation; however my mind was yet to catch up.

What had once seemed so simple now seemed an impossible feat. I didn’t know how to stay on track. My weight loss plateaued and I found it near impossible to stick to eating clean. I gained 3kg and it felt like the end of the world.

A boost came to my ego when I was signed as a Plus Size Model at Bella Model Management. I started seeing a Nutritionist and speaking with friends and fellow weight loss worriers.   I tried to explore new options and found that I was not the only one that had experienced this fear; many people had similar thoughts and fears on their journey to success.

For the first time I had men’s undivided attention. I was on new and unfamiliar territory and treaded carefully. I was scared that their intentions were not genuine – would they have been interested in me if I was still 129kg? Did they only like me because I was on TV?

I needed a change, I didn’t want to fall into old habits, I craved a new environment so after many years fantasising about the idea of living in Sydney I finally set the wheels in motion. I packed my bags and set my sights on Sydney.

Friend and family thought that I was ‘cured’ because I had lost the weight. But what they didn’t realise was that the biggest battle was ahead, the emotional journey of dealing with my eating addictions. 

The Biggest Loser Journey

I entered the Biggest Loser naive to the challenges that lie ahead. The road was turbulent to say the least.  After 5 weeks in the house and having lost almost 20kg I was eliminated. My first attempt at Camp Biggest Loser was focused on eating clean and training hard. While the journey was tumultuous; I felt that an emotional exploration was lacking.  

The moment I walked out of Camp Biggest Loser I was filled with a sense of strength and courage. I gained a new insight into what focus truly is and what it takes to be 100% dedicated. I returned home and moved in with my mother who provided me with unwavering support.  I was welcomed into a new family and found a new home at Genesis Jindalee my local gym. They offered me free membership and subsidised training rates in additional to emotional support and friendship. I trained 5 hours per day, 7 days per week and spent a total of 7 hours at the gym each day.

My training regime entailed 2 hours cardio, 1 hour break, 1 hour weights, 1 hour break, 2 hours cardio. My diet consisted of 6 small meals, one meal every 3 hours; 100g protein (Chicken breast/tuna/turkey) and 100g green vegetables (broccoli/zucchini). Day in, day out, this was my routine.

My mentor somehow fell from the heavens in the form of a Personal Trainer called Luke Petzke. Luke not only designed my eating and training regime, he also provided me with sanity – in moments of weakness and frustration he assured me that I was normal and kept me on track! I will forever be indebted to him for his help! My second trainer Bella worked on my inner strength through Yoga and TRX, Bella has the heart of an angel.

After 5 weeks at home I finally breached the magical “double digits”, I made a vow that the scaled would never again show a 3 digit result. Days later I received an invitation to return to Camp Biggest Loser.

Upon returning to Camp Biggest Loser I became part of a team for the first time. There was total synergy between team members and trainer; the perfect combination consisted of inspirational trainer Shannon Ponton and fellow team mate and contestant Brenda Hunt. I was 100% true to myself; I trained hard, ate clean and enjoyed every moment. Training with Shannon and Brenda was a joy. Off screen Brenda, Margie and I shared a close friendship and spent numerous hours sharing stories, training and laughing!

Shannon was the key that unlocked my emotions. His philosophy is “hard but fair” and he showed me that “no one is fat without a reason” everyone has a story. Shannon helped me rediscover the pain that I had hidden for years surrounding a strained relationship with my father.

I made it to the top 5 and was eliminated for the second time. This time I walked away from Camp Biggest Loser feeling defeated. For the first time since the beginning of my journey I broke the perfect cycle and had a weekend of binge eating followed by an overwhelming sense of depression. I return home with my tail between my legs, the emotional process left me deflated.

With the support of Shannon via phone and Luke and Bella my trainers at home and extended support team of friends and family I returned to my training regime. This time I upped the ante and started training 6 hours per day in the lead up to the “Finale”.

The finale took place in May 2012; the day was a culmination of all my hard work. I felt on top of the world! I stood on the scaled proud as it reflected my 47kg loss and celebrated with my close friend Margie as she took out first prize!

I had a support team including my mum, brothers, sister, best friends, trainer and dad in the crowd cheering me along! My journey was filled with ups and downs, but I could not have done it without the support of my loved ones!

The Biggest Loser was the platform that allowed me to change my life. I have the utmost respect for the cast and crew that work on the Biggest Loser – in particular the trainers who showed me that with hard work, determination, sweat and tears dreams can become reality!         

The OLD me!

Prologue… The background story of what led me to reach 129kg

I was born in the small beach community of Hervey Bay, Queensland, Australia. My parents divorced before my 2^nd birthday and only have 1 memory of the united family unit. Most of my childhood was spent with my mother (Diana) and older brother (Jayce); I have a great deal of love and admiration for both of them. By all accounts I had a wonderful childhood; I had great friends, excelled at school, actively played sport and was a happy and healthy child. Growing up my relationship with my father was distant. My relationship however with food, was ever present!

I can remember fantasizing and obsessing over food, it is now clear that from a very young age I suffered from severe food addictions. My obsession with food was so evident that I would jump up and down in a ritualistic style dance around the kitchen when food was being prepared at family gatherings; my family labelled this ritual “The Food Dance”. I would steal food and eat it in hiding, often in my bedroom, or when no one was home. I was never overweight as a child and as I was always happy and healthy nobody thought anything sinister of my obsession with food.

At the age of 15 my family relocated to Brisbane, I started attending an all-girls school called Stuartholme. I was actively involved in the school community, lead fund raising, played netball and was a mentor to the younger girls. It is however around this time that my weight started to balloon. I would yo-yo from a size 12 – 18. My eating was uncontrollable!

Being an outgoing well-spoken person it often surprises people to find out that I am dreadfully private. I find it challenging to the point of physical illness when it comes to talking about problems. Due to my difficulties with personal expression any attempt that my mother made to address my weight were shut down quickly.

After high school I participated in a gap year in Brazil. The year abroad was personally enriching. I enjoyed all that the country had to offer, made lifelong friends, learnt another language, and ate my way through Brazil. I left Australia at my smallest weight in years weighing approximately 70kg, I returned from Brazil weighting around 95kg.

From 2003 to 2011 my weight continued to increase and I would Yo-Yo between 95kg and 120kg. I would wear large baggy maxi-dresses and cover my arms with sleeves at all times. Eating was a vicious cycle – I would start for a range of reasons; sadness, boredom, excitement, anger, happiness, hunger… I would eat to the point of feeling ill, I would then feel guilty and eat some more. The cycle was never ending. I never allowed my weight to stop me from making friends; I was actively social and by all account a happy outgoing person. To my friends I appeared confident and comfortable in my skin – my weight did not appear to phase me! The truth is that I felt dreadfully self-conscious and lost!     

From FEAR to FREEDOM… and finding BALANCE along the way…

My name is Rebekah (Bek) Gilchrist; 12 months ago I embarked on a personal journey of self-discovery and change. At the beginning of my journey I was morbidly obese (129kg) and hiding a deep secret of self-loathing and fear. I was scared that I would never change, that I would remain overweight and unhappy, and that I would never achieve my goals of living a happy, fulfilling life filled with love and joy.

I woke up one day and decided that I wanted to make a change, while sitting on the couch in my Brisbane apartment I saw an ad for “The Biggest Loser Australia” auditions, without hesitation, I lodged an application. Low and behold my application was successful. I embarked on a 6 month journey with the Biggest Loser; from November 2011 to April 2012 I participated in the television show and shed a total of 50kg (3kg before the show began, and 47kg on air). Without doubt, the Biggest Loser changed my life. It was the single most difficult experience I have ever been through. I found an inner strength and determination that I did not realise I was possible. I remained committed to the journey, shed many tears, made wonderful friends, and came to the realisation that I am a long term sufferer of Food Addiction. While I may have lost the weight what is left behind is fear – fear that I will not be able to keep it off, fear that I will one day return to my former self.

Food addiction or compulsive overeating is characterized by and obsessive and compulsive relationship with food. Suffering food addicts (including myself) have compulsive characteristics where there have frequent uncontrolled episodes of overeating, or binge eating during which they feel frenzied or out of control, often consuming food past the point of being comfortably full. Following the binge episodes is often an overwhelming sense of guilt or depression.

It is now 5 months on from Biggest Loser and while I have managed to keep the weight off, I still feel self-conscious, have moments of uncontrollable eating and am yet to find a healthy balance on how to lead a new healthy life.

The goal of this blog is to help me release the fear of food and find freedom, and hopefully balance along the way!....