The twilight zone – the months that followed the Biggest Loser

Twilight; the soft glowing period of limbo between daylight and darkness. The months that followed The Biggest Loser felt like extended twilight; neither day nor night, light nor dark.

I returned home, continued training and went back to work… the hype was over and a new life was beginning! I trained for approximately 2.5 hours per day and worked full time. Life goes on! But I didn’t know how to live a life with balance.

 During the Biggest Loser I had 1 goal “train hard and eat clean”; I didn’t think about anything else, every waking moment was dedicated to my weight loss journey. Resuming life and all its normalities including work, bills, training, friends, and family was not surprisingly much harder than I expected.

I tried to experiment with food – incorporating new healthy options into my diet; I allowed myself ‘treat’ meals to celebrate my successes.

However, through it all I felt an overwhelming sense of fear. I was scared that the reflection in the mirror was a temporary mask and that sooner or later it would return to its former version depicting a 129kg girl that was scared and embarrassed.

After eating chocolate for the first time, I was overcome with guilt; I looked in the mirror and was certain that I had ballooned instantly to my former weight. I regularly asked friends and family “Do I look normal yet?” all I wanted to do was feel as though I looked like a normal person opposed to an obese one. My body had undergone a rapid transformation; however my mind was yet to catch up.

What had once seemed so simple now seemed an impossible feat. I didn’t know how to stay on track. My weight loss plateaued and I found it near impossible to stick to eating clean. I gained 3kg and it felt like the end of the world.

A boost came to my ego when I was signed as a Plus Size Model at Bella Model Management. I started seeing a Nutritionist and speaking with friends and fellow weight loss worriers.   I tried to explore new options and found that I was not the only one that had experienced this fear; many people had similar thoughts and fears on their journey to success.

For the first time I had men’s undivided attention. I was on new and unfamiliar territory and treaded carefully. I was scared that their intentions were not genuine – would they have been interested in me if I was still 129kg? Did they only like me because I was on TV?

I needed a change, I didn’t want to fall into old habits, I craved a new environment so after many years fantasising about the idea of living in Sydney I finally set the wheels in motion. I packed my bags and set my sights on Sydney.

Friend and family thought that I was ‘cured’ because I had lost the weight. But what they didn’t realise was that the biggest battle was ahead, the emotional journey of dealing with my eating addictions.